


Brownies

by DemonBanisher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Baking, Brownies, Fluff, Love, M/M, Marauders, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Sad and Happy, True Love, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24086398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: Where did Remus' penchant for carrying chocolate come from? How has chocolate helped him get through the bad times and will it still work when things get worse?A story of love through the good and bad times, finding yourself, and baking a lot of brownies.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	Brownies

**Author's Note:**

> So, I decided to bake brownies at midnight yesterday and it sparked the idea for this story. I've had my own mental health struggles and I've taken to leaving chocolate around so I can have a little pick me up on the bad days. My inspiration for this came from Remus Lupin. I got this image in my head of him and Sirius baking brownies to try and make themselves feel better and the rest came from there!  
> I was super excited to post this so I only did a quick edit, I hope there are not too many major errors  
> There are spoilers in here for the Harry Potter series if you have not read/seen it. Although obviously, it is not entirely canon compliant. But seriously (see what I did there?) Wolfstar is canon and JKR can deal with it.  
> Leave me a comment or a kudos to let me know what you thought! Feedback is always welcome!

Remus Lupin can remember exactly when he started carrying chocolate around. It was his first year at Hogwarts. He hadn’t quite gotten the hang of hiding his lycanthropy around other people. He was still learning what the best excuses were, which lies were the most palatable. They were working in herbology class and without thinking Remus rolled up his sleeves. The way he would have at home, working in his mother’s garden. The student next to him made a noise like he was clearing his throat and when Remus looked up he nodded gently in the direction of Remus’ exposed scars. Embarrassed and worried, Remus made quick effort of rolling his sleeves back down. He gave the student a little smile and then refused to meet his eyes for the rest of the class. He really hoped he didn’t try to turn him in or report them. Dumbledore might regret his decision if he messed things up so soon. 

When the class finished, Remus gathered his things as quickly as possible, tossing them haphazardly into his shoulder bag and bolted his way out into the hallway. He only made it so far before someone had a strong hand on his elbow and was tugging him into a closet. A hand clasped quickly over his mouth before he had time to yell for help.

The dingy light of the supply closet came on and Remus saw it was the boy from his class standing in front of him. His name was Alex Simon, two first names, but that was about the extent that Remus knew about him. Alex seemed to realize that his hand was still firmly clasped over Remus’ mouth and he pulled away quickly.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay,” Remus said. He didn’t know why, clearly it wasn’t okay to drag someone into a closet by force. It was just one of those answers that spilled out of Remus without thinking, like any time someone asked how he was. 

“I…um… saw your scars,” Alex said, suddenly becoming incredibly interested in the floor.

Remus stood silent; he could feel every muscle in his body clench. Think Remus, think of something to say that will have this make sense.

Alex seemed to sense his tension, “It’s okay, I…um… have them too.” Alex reached down and gently rolled up his own sleeves to reveal a criss cross array of scars starting at his wrist and trailing up his arm. Remus recognized these scars, but he knew they were of a very different nature and he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to lie to this boy in front of him who was being so open and vulnerable, but he couldn’t very well tell him the truth either.

“I understand,” Remus finally said. And he did. He understood what it felt like to be so numb on the inside that you just need a reminder you were alive. Something you could control. At least if you were causing the pain you had power over it, and it couldn’t have power over you.

Alex nodded chewing on his lip. He looked up at the ceiling as he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of a pocket and offered one to Remus. Remus nodded, taking one from the boy’s steady hands. He didn’t smoke, but somehow this cigarette felt like more than that. Like a pact between two broken people.

“I’ve done some reading on it,” Alex said pausing to light their cigarettes. In the glow of the lighter, Remus noticed how sunken the boy’s face looked, how much of himself in saw in those sallow eyes as if he was looking in a mirror. “It releases dopamine, you know like a happy chemical in your brain, it’s why it’s so addictive. Eating chocolate does the same thing.”

Remus nodded not sure what to say, even secluded this closet felt too open, like anyone could walk into this conversation at the wrong moment. 

“Can I see them?” Alex asked.

“See… see what? My scars?” Remus asked. No one had ever asked to look the darkness inside of him head on before.

“Yeah, if that’s not weird.” 

Remus nodded and placed his cigarette between his teeth before gently rolling up his sleeves to reveal his own abstract art pieces. Alex’s eyes gazed over them intently, as if he was searching for himself in those jagged lines, looking for some understanding. 

“Shit man,” Alex finally said. Remus leaned back against the shelf behind him, careful not to knock anything over and took a deep drag of his own cigarette.

“Yep, shit man.”

* * *

Remus didn’t speak to Alex after that. Sometimes if they bumped into each other in an empty hallway they’d share a quick smile but nothing more than that. It was the shared bond of an unspeakable experience between strangers. When Remus became friends with the Marauders he saw even less of Alex, but he never forgot him. No, because from that day on, Remus always had chocolate in his pockets. If he could smell fresh wounds on a student’s wrist or thighs, he’d be sure to sneak them a piece in their bag or next to their homework in hopes that their next dopamine hit could come from something less destructive. He found himself using it too, to help quell his own demons and keep them at bay. But sometimes those little pieces weren’t enough. Especially on the nights that were the worst. The nights where everything inside of him was a bottomless pit. The nights that had no sunrise. The nights he could barely force himself to move. On those nights, he’d push himself out of bed and sneak down to the kitchen to make brownies. He had an agreement with most of the house elves that if he brought them little trinkets, they’d leave him be and not complain about his use of supplies. Of course, Remus always left some of his baking behind for them too. 

He couldn’t explain it but there was something about baking that helped calm the storm inside of him. He could just let everything awful or numb or empty just fade away for a little bit. Then he’d sit on the counter and read while he waited for them to cook. He knew he could magic them to finish sooner but something about the act of waiting made them more worthwhile. Then sitting on the counter by himself he’d munch on the corner pieces and wait for the dopamine hit to kick in. Maybe it was all a placebo effect, he didn’t really care, all he knew was that it helped quiet the noise. It made him feel like things were going to be okay when everything else felt wrong. Some days, if he was feeling really bad before the full moon and couldn’t stomach much, he’d still head down to the kitchen and bake but he’d wrap them up and leave them outside of Alex’s door. They were always gone in the morning, Remus wasn’t quite sure if it did much, but it felt like something. 

* * *

It was a few days before the full moon when Sirius first joined him. Must have been their fourth or fifth year. Remus was feeling particularly crappy, like a burden on his friends and a waste of space. He tugged himself out of bed and down into the kitchen. He wanted to cry, but he was so empty that there wasn’t anything left in him to come out. So he stood, staring into his third batch of batter as if asking it to magically fix everything, to make him anyway but this. 

“Rems?” A sleepy voice called from the door causing Remus to jump and almost knock the bowl onto the floor. 

“Sirius? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Was worried about you. You keep running off somewhere in the middle of the night and I didn’t know what you were doing. I wanted to make sure you were – oh my Merlin, what is that smell?”

Remus smiled as Sirius eyes snapped open at the scent of food. He really was a dog, always begging for scraps from his friends’ plates. He was the kind of person who would insist that he didn’t want dessert and then end up eating half of yours anyway. 

“Brownies.”

“Merlin Moony, you mean to tell me you sneak out to bake brownies constantly and you don’t have the common decency to bring me some?” Sirius said reaching for the still cooling first batch that was resting on the counter. 

“Hey,” Remus yelled swatting his hand away. “If you want to have some you got to help.” He tossed a slab of bakers chocolate to him. “Start cutting that up for me, will you?”

Sirius nodded and padded his way over to the counter that Remus was working at. Remus moved over to make room for him. The way he always did at any table or in any train car. Remus always had room for Sirius, even if he didn’t realize it. Sirius was miserable with the chocolate and it was a miracle he managed to keep all his fingers.

“Here, let me show you how,” Remus said setting down his spoon and moving alongside Sirius. He placed his hand gently over Sirius’ and tried to avoid the way it sent his heart aflutter. He guided him through one slab until he was sure that any danger of lost appendages was gone. 

“Moony?” Sirius asked. 

“Mhm,” Remus replied focusing on scrapping the last of the batter into the pan without dropping the bowl. 

“Is this like the other ones?”

“Other ones?” Remus asked confused.

“Well, you always carry chocolate on you for if people are feeling down, or when you aren’t feeling…” Sirius paused his chopping, searching for the words. “Quite yourself. Like an energy boost or something. If you need to make this much chocolate, you must be feeling pretty awful.”

Remus paused, still with his back to Sirius, he gently set the bowl down on his counter. He realized Sirius saw so much more than Remus had ever realized. Everyone thought he was the suave, popular boy, but in reality he was a gentle soul who knew what brokenness did to people. 

“Yeah Pads, I just… I need something to make the pain go away.”

“It’s okay Moons, I understand,” Sirius said turning back to his chopping. Remus walked over to him and gently set his hand on top of Sirius’ again. And just like that Remus’ nighttime ritual to scare away the demons, something that was his, became theirs. 

* * *

Sirius was an expert at baking now. Remus had taken time to show him all the little tips and tricks. They both knew the recipe like the back of their hand, but more importantly they knew each other’s roles. Remus would get up and gently poke Sirius awake. It took Remus awhile to stop feeling bad about interrupting his sleep. That changed when he realized Sirius needed this just as much as he did. Maybe more some days. Sometimes, it was Sirius who came crawling into Remus’ bed to drag him into the kitchen, particularly after they got back from any break. Sirius would have terrible nightmares about everything his parents did to him. He’d relive all the torture, beatings, and pain on an endless loop. Some days he’d prefer to just not sleep, if the fear was too strong. Then they’d stay awake, curled up on Remus’ bed talking about life and everything they felt they couldn’t say out loud. Once they knew James and Peter were fast asleep, they’d tiptoe their way down to the kitchen. Each boy trying to get laughter out of the other. 

It was almost the first full moon since Christmas, they’d only been back at Hogwarts for a week. Sirius still couldn’t sleep. Remus had borrowed some makeup from Lily to help him cover up the worst of the bruises on his face. Sirius kept insisting he way fine but he could barely move, Remus was pretty sure he was limping, and when James went to give him a high five the other day Remus swore he saw Sirius flinch.

Remus wasn’t feeling great either. He knew this full moon was going to be a particularly bad one, he could feel it in the weight of his bones. He’d felt empty and gutted for the past week. He moved sluggishly, barely ate, and despite it being the only thing he wanted to do, he couldn’t sleep. 

Sirius had climbed into bed next to Remus and nestled his way against Remus’ chest. Remus put down the book he had been “reading,” glad to be able to stop pretending he was comprehending anything on the page. He rested his head on top of Sirius’ and they just held each other until it was late enough to go down to the kitchen. Sometimes the darkness steals our voice too.

Downstairs the boys were feeling a little better with the scent of chocolate in the air but not by much. They were both moving slowly as if the air was glue. They were missing their usual rhythm and kept bumping into each other. Eventually, Sirius set down the knife and sighed deeply.

“What is it Pads?” Remus asked, stopping what he was doing to look at Sirius. 

“What if they’re right? What if I am a no-good waste of air who should never have been born?” Remus winced. The threat was too specific to be anything but true. 

“They’ll never be right Sirius. They’re angry, jagged people, and they don’t have anywhere to place their hatred so they throw it on you instead, thinking somehow it will make themselves better.”

“But that hatred comes from somewhere. Generations of Black and never has there been a Gryffindor. Maybe they’re right, maybe I’m just a mistake.”

There was a sudden squelch as Remus catapulted batter off of his spoon and it landed squarely on Sirius’ nose. 

“What the hell was that for Moons?” Sirius tried to say angrily, but Remus saw the beginnings of a smile cross his face as he reached up and brushed off most of the batter with his finger and licked it clean.

“Sorry, you say stupid things you get hit with batter. I don’t make the rules. Besides, we both know that if any of us was a mistake it’s me. I’m a fucking monster Pads and put everyone around me at risk. Sometimes I think you’d all be safer if I went back home.” 

Another squelch, this time Sirius was tossing the batter which landed on Remus’ cheek.

“What the hell?” Remus asked, trying to stay mad but he was already smiling.

“You say stupid things you get hit with batter. I don’t make the rules.”

Remus felt himself blush and he turned his attention back to the bowl in front of him, he could still feel Sirius’ cool eyes on him. He realized he probably looked ridiculous with this batter on his face. He reached up to wipe his cheek clean and Sirius burst into laughter.

“You missed a spot.”

“Where?” Remus said looking back at Sirius and trying to quiet the burning feeling inside of him. 

“Your cheek.”

“There?” Remus said rubbing his cheek again.

Sirius shook his head, “Lower.”

Remus wiped again with his thumb, but Sirius just shook his head.

“Here, let me.”

He crossed the distance between the two of them. Remus was acutely aware that they were now breathing the same air. Sirius licked his thumb and then gently ran it along Sirius cheek. Remus watched him, taking in the gentle curve of his jawline, the terrible purpling bruise just under his silver eyes. God, those eyes were poison to a werewolf’s heart. 

“All better,” Sirius said, but he didn’t take his hand away from Remus’ cheek. He ran his thumb down Remus’ cheek and slipped his thumb under his chin, gently tilting Remus’ head so he could see into his eyes better. He took in the faded white scar that ran across his check until just under his emerald eyes. God, those eyes were the key to a broken boy’s heart. 

Then Sirius closed the distance between them and planted a kiss on Remus’ soft lips, parting them gently with his mouth. They tasted of chocolate and if there was one thing Remus had taught him, it was that chocolate always made things better. 

* * *

The summer before their last year at Hogwarts, Sirius leaves James house to spend a few weeks with Remus. Remus had told him he could come later, wait until after the full moon. Sirius wouldn’t hear any of it. They’d spent the first week of their time with each other relearning the subtly of each other bodies, remember how comforting it felt to be held in the other’s arms, never wanted to lose contact with each other for even a second. But then, the full moon was tonight, and Remus was curled up in a ball on his bed in excruciating pain. The gentlest of touch or the softest breeze would cause him to moan or whimper and Sirius felt his heart break every time. It had been hours since Remus had moved. Sirius managed to get him to drink some water through a straw but even that had taken great effort. He was sitting on the floor next to Remus’ bed feeling utterly useless. He put his head between his knees and was running his hands through his hair when he suddenly came up with an idea. 

“Rems, I got an idea. Just stay here, okay? I’ll be right back love.”

Remus made some small noise that Sirius took as a noise of agreement and he hurried downstairs into the Lupins’ kitchen. 

He returned a little over an hour later with a plate of warm brownies in his hand. He lowered himself gently onto the bed next to Remus and tried to not take it personally when he flinched.

“Moons, I’ve brought you something. It’s going to help, I promise.”

“Pads…can’t eat…” Remus managed through gritted teeth and closed eyelids.

“I know, I know, but just try for me okay.”

Remus wanted to. He would do anything for Sirius. He’d throw himself in a volcano if Sirius asked him to. But the truth is the things our loved ones ask for us are often so much simpler, and so much harder to overcome. Remus gave a curt nod and stiffened as a fresh wave of pain rolled down the base of his spine. He let Sirius gently lift his head up onto his lap so he could eat without choking. He kept his eyes closed, he wanted to look at Sirius so badly, but knew the room would start spinning the second he opened them. He wasn’t fond of the notion of throwing up all over his boyfriend. He felt Sirius’ hand brush against his lips as he sprinkled brownie crumbs into his mouth. Remus wanted to smile but it was taking everything in him to focus on swallowing this down. 

“Good,” Sirius said, “Now a little more.”

“Sirius… I”

“Shh, it’ll help I promise.”

A couple hours later Remus still had his head in Sirius’ lap. He was feeling much better and was no longer curled up into a ball but spread out starfish style across the bed, gazing up into Sirius’ silver eyes.

“When did you get so damn gorgeous?” Remus asked, then slapped his hand over his mouth like he couldn’t believe he’d said something. Sirius threw his head back and laughed. Remus giggled underneath his palm.

“Probably around the same time you did Moony.” Sirius said, running his hand gently through Remus’ golden hair. 

“I’m not pretty, I’m all-“ and he shook all of his limbs in some form of an explanation. Sirius smiled sadly, wishing he knew how to make Remus see how beautiful he was. 

Remus sighed and looked up at the ceiling, reaching a hand skyward.

“What are you looking at Moons?” Sirius asked, turning his head up to the cracked plaster.

“The stars. Count them with me Pads, won’t you?” So he did, he listened to Remus stoned out of his mind recite the complicated Latin names of stars and constellations. He told Sirius the story behind each one, with some weed laced artistic licence thrown in for good measure. 

When it was starting to get dark outside, Sirius hooked his arms around Remus and helped him to his feet.

“Come on space ranger, time to get you downstairs.”

Remus smiled at Sirius sleepily, “You were right Pads, those brownies did help. What would I do without you?”

Sirius kissed him gently on the forward and smiled, “You’ll never have to find out.”

* * *

The Marauders sat in James and Lily’s new living room opening up the graduation presents they’d gotten for one another. There was laughter and drinking and for just a moment in time they’d all forgotten about the impending darkness that had been hanging over their heads.

“Open mine Moony,” Sirius said, sliding off of Remus’ lap to pick up a large, terribly wrapped present and pass it to him. 

“Better not be anything kinky,” James said to which he earned himself a sharp elbow in the side from Lily.

Remus smiled at Sirius and tore open the paper, stopping once he realized what it was.

“Well, don’t keep us in suspense, what is it?” Peter asked eagerly.

Remus lifted the large ceramic baking bowl out of the wrapping so everyone could see.

“A bowl?” James asked, earning himself another jab in the side.

“It’s perfect,” Remus said and leaned over to give Sirius a kiss.

* * *

Sirius and Remus stood in the kitchen on their new apartment together having just christened the oven by baking a fresh batch of brownies. Remus reached for the knife to cut himself a square, but Sirius stopped him.

“Nope, I want to do the honours.” Remus rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless and handed Sirius the knife. 

Sirius seemed to take forever, deliberating over what piece to cut and ended up taking a weird chunk out of the middle to place on Remus’ plate.

“What the hell? This isn’t even a square,” Remus laughed.

“Trust me,” Sirius said, “It’s the best piece. Try it.”

Remus looked at him suspiciously but raised the piece to mouth and took a bite. It was sweet and gooey and strangely metallic. Remus reached up to his mouth to fish out the piece of metal his teeth had run across, their mixer must have been broken, but when he pulled it out, he was shocked to see it was a ring. A very messy, chocolate covered ring, but a ring none the less. Beaming like an idiot he gave Sirius a playful shove. 

“You nut, you could have killed me.”

“It’s not silver Rems, I’m not a completed idiot,” Sirius said matching his smile.

“I meant I could have choked.”

“Well it’s a good thing you didn’t,” Sirius said placing his hand on Remus’ thigh. He leaned in for a kiss but pulled away at the last minute, gently taking the sticky ring out of Remus’ hand as he got down on one knee.

“Remus John Lupin, the love of my life, the moon to my stars. Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Remus said, the muscles in his cheeks aching from grinning so hard. 

Sirius stood up and slipped the ring onto Remus’ ring finger streaking brownie batter everywhere.

“Guess I should have washed it first,” Sirius laughed.

“We’ve always been a little messy,” Remus smiled.

Then Sirius leaned forward and kissed him deeply. They had their whole lives ahead of them.

* * *

Remus felt ten years older as he made him way home from the disaster of Godric’s Hollow. It couldn’t be true. Nothing they had told him made any sense. Sirius a spy? Sirius hated everything his family had tried to associate him with. But then there was Peter, and James and Lily… it hadn’t felt like a random attack. It had felt targeted. He didn’t even ask what they were going to do with Harry, he was too broken to think about that. He stopped abruptly feet away from his doorstep when he saw a package on the front stoop. He bent down and carefully picked it up. At this point he didn’t care if it was a bomb, he was dead already. 

He opened the lid and felt the familiar chocolate smell hit his nostrils again. There was a piece of paper folded inside. He opened it up and recognized Sirius’ loopy scrawl immediately.

Not much time, they’re coming for me.  
Wait for me Rems.  
I didn’t do I swear.   
\- Pads

Remus felt disgusted and angry, he felt hatred boiling up inside of him. How could the man he loves keep such an awful secret from them? How could he destroy him so completely and expect him to wait? Remus stormed into the kitchen and dumped the whole package, brownies, letter, and all into the waste bin. He stopped when his eyes caught on the gold engagement ring still sitting on his hand. He paused, tracing his fingers over it delicately the way Sirius used to in the morning when he thought Remus was still asleep. Then the image of James and Lily flashed in his head again and he threw the ring in the garbage can. He stormed down the hallway and collapsed into bed.

It was just after 3am when Remus made his way back into the kitchen. He threw open the garbage can and dug around inside. He found Sirius’ note, now stained with pasta sauce from their dinner the night before. Sirius had been here just the night before. And the golden ring. He slipped the ring back on his finger and clutched the letter to his chest like he did with his teddy bear as a child. He walked slowly back down the hallway and curled up in a ball on his bed and cried until there was nothing left of him. He fell asleep with the letter still desperately clutched in his hand.

* * *

It had been years, and the emptiness inside of Remus’ chest has turned to a hollowed-out complacency. He was back at Hogwarts again, the chocolate in his pockets once again for distraught students. There were too many memories here. He walked by the closet that Alex Simon pulled him into first year and felt that too familiar pang of guilt well up in his chest. Maybe he should have done more for him. He knew he was young, and it wasn’t his responsibility to play hero, but it doesn’t help him shake the feeling that he failed somehow. It doesn’t help that Harry looks the spitting images of James with Lily’s eyes. When Harry finally produced a Patronus Charm it took the shape of a stag and it took everything in Remus to not cry in front of him. It’s like this school was trying to remind him of everything he lost. Every teachers meeting and newspaper was plastered with Sirius’ face and those silver eyes still striked like bullets through his heart. Dumbledore was worried that Sirius would attack the castle. In fact, he said it more like an inevitability than a possibility. In Remus’ dreams Sirius was coming here for him, to sweep him up in his arms, they’d go back to the flat and have a life again, maybe one day they’d get around to that wedding they’d missed. They’d make up for the twelve years of waiting. His faith in Sirius never faded really, Remus had just learned to bury it because it hurt too much to think that if Sirius was innocent, he was suffering unbearably, and Remus couldn’t help him. Some nights, when he couldn’t sleep Remus would walk down to the kitchen and just stand there. He didn’t feel like making things anymore.

Then, next thing Remus knew Sirius had been spotted in the castle and Harry was standing in his office, handing Remus the Marauders map and telling him that he saw Peter Pettigrew on it. He wondered if the magic on the map was fading, but something deeper inside of him knew the map couldn’t be wrong. He intentionally messed up the riddle multiple times just to hear Sirius, James and Peter’s voices come back to him. His own voice was in there too, sounding young and full of hope. God, had he really been so stupid to think that this could end any other way?

When he finally opened the map, he saw that Harry was right, Peter Pettigrew was on the map, but he wasn’t the only one, there in front of him was the name Sirius Black. Just seeing that name still made his heart skip a beat. Remus unwrapped a chocolate and popped it into his mouth as he laid the map out flat on his desk and looked closer. He faltered, Sirius was in the Shrieking Shack, the place where some of the worst nights of his life had happened. But at the end of every one of them were his friends. The people who cared about him so much they became Animagus to keep him safe. He thought again of Sirius, Padfoot’s dark fur brushing up against his skin, his wet nose nuzzling against Remus’ cheek, Sirius carrying Remus to the infirmary ward, Sirius holding his hand through the worst of it, Sirius Black telling him that everything was going to be okay. He picked up his wand, shouldered his jacket and made his way out to the shed. 

Remus stormed into the shack to see Sirius pointing his wand at Harry, Hermione, and Ron who looked absolutely petrified. 

“Sirius, what the f-“

“Careful Remus, there are children present,” Sirius replied quickly with that coy half smile of his. The things that Remus would do to him if there weren’t children present. Sirius had lost weight, there were new tattoos and scars that Remus didn’t recognize. The uniform for Azkaban prisoners hung off his gaunt frame and Remus remembered the way his leather jacket used to cling to his shoulders. He looked older and his eyes didn’t sparkle the way they once had. They looked cloudy as if a thunderstorm was about to roll in. 

Remus crossed the distance and wrapped himself up in Sirius’ arms. He smelled different. Musty and rotten, Remus missed the smell of motor oil that he could never fully wash out. He could feel his ribs, he was too thin, too thin, but he was here. Merlin, he was finally here.

Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around Remus. He smelled exactly like Sirius remembered, like old books and chocolate. He could feel his ribs, he was too thin, too thin, but he was here. Merlin, he was finally here. 

Sirius was trying to whisper some sort of explanation, but Remus already knew, he knew the second he saw the map. 

“It’s okay Pads, it’s okay,” Remus just kept saying it over and over again until Sirius pulled away.

Hermoine was yelling at him, Harry and Ron looked scared, but all Remus could see was Sirius.

“Let’s kill him,” Sirius said.

“Wait,” Remus said. He needed to be sure. He couldn’t make a mistake. Not again.

“I did my waiting! Twelve years of it, in Azkaban!” Sirius yelled and Remus felt liked he’d been kicked in the chest. He thought of Sirius’ note: Wait for me Rems. There had been no one else. Remus wondered sometimes if it was less a promise to Sirius and more that he had suffered a kind of heartbreak you don’t come back from. Remus didn’t think he could ever love again. But he should have fought harder, why did he ever doubt Sirius to begin with? Dumbledore. Dumbledore had talked away all his doubts and fears until Remus had started to believe him. Remus felt sick. 

His train of thought was interrupted by Harry yelling at them. He thought they were going to kill him. He didn’t understand the truth. Remus and Sirius started to explain but were interrupt by Snape’s arrival. He had his wand against Sirius’ throat in a moment. No, Remus couldn’t lose him. Not after he’d just gotten him back. Sirius was angry, yelling at Snape, he needed somewhere to put his rage, but Remus knew that if Sirius gave him the opportunity to kill him Snape would take it. He’d consider it revenge for Sirius’ bullying years ago.

“Sirius be quiet!” Remus snapped.

“Well, look at you two quarrelling like an old married couple,” Snape chided with a sickly grin. Remus had never hated Severus. He was always just the quiet bystander to James and Sirius’ attacks on him. But now he felt that hatred brewing deep down inside himself. Snape knew everything they’d lost and here he was throwing it in their faces. He was still a goddamn child who couldn’t let go of the past. Remus watched Snape turn on Sirius, reminding him of all the pain and agony of Azkaban, Severus couldn’t help it that he had the upper hand. He wanted to see them all suffering. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light as Harry cast Expelliarmus, throwing Snape backwards with a crash onto the old bed. So, many memories, but there was no time for that now. Remus smiled at Harry, ever his father’s son. Remus and Sirius explained everything that had happened, their brains working in tandem again as if no time had passed. Everything was happening so quickly; Sirius had got a hold of Wormtail and before long he was Peter Pettigrew again. It made Remus sick listening to him try to justify everything he’d done wrong. Everything he’d destroyed. Remus knew in that moment that he could do it. He could murder Peter in cold blood. He had taken away every good thing that Remus had ever had. His best friends, the love of his life. They had him cornered now. Sirius looked at him sideways, that smile back on his face.

“Together?” He said. 

Remus nodded but what he wanted to say was always. We’ll be together always. They raised their wands and – 

“No!”

It was Harry, he demanded they take Peter back to the castle. The dark cloud passed. Remus realized murdering Peter would be too easy an out for the crimes he’d committed. He needed to suffer for what he had done. He needed to pay. He could wait for justice. He’d been waiting twelve years. What did it matter now that Sirius was back at his side? As Sirius brushed by Remus to help Ron up, he slipped a hand into his pocket and pulled out a chocolate which he quickly tossed in his mouth. He gave Remus’ hand a quick squeeze and then the moment was gone. 

* * *

Remus was back in the old apartment. Everyone thought he’d been fired. No one knew he’d quit. He could barely look Dumbledore in the eyes as he stood in his office.

“Twelve years. You knew for twelve years and you let me believe-“

“Remus, you have to understand. Sometime in wars, sacrifices have to be made.”  
“Then make your own sacrifices. Stop playing with everyone else’s lives in the name of good Albus. I believed in you.”

“Remus, listen –“

“Don’t bother, I quit,” Remus had stormed to the door but stopped just before leaving. “I could have had twelve years with Sirius, we could have gotten married, we would have taken care of Harry instead of you putting him with that insufferable family. You took all of that away from me. I’ll never forgive you for it.”

Remus knew it would make being a part of the Order more complicated, but honestly, he didn’t care anymore. He wasn’t fighting for Dumbledore anymore. He was fighting for himself, for James, for Sirius, and for Harry. He was fighting for everything he had lost. Everything he had taken from him. 

* * *

Remus started as he heard a loud thud in the spare room. He hadn’t been in there in years. There were too many of Sirius’ things in there. It was too painful. He opened the door just in time to watch Padfoot turn back into Sirius. A tangle of legs and limbs, Remus remembered for a brief moment what it was like to be a teenager, Sirius sneaking in through his window in the dead of night. Sirius stood up and brushed himself off before realizing that he was being watched. 

“You kept the old place?” He smiled.

Remus smiled back. This place, while full of countless memories, was the last thing that Remus had that was theirs. Merlin knows he could have used the money that would have come from selling it, but that would have been the last betrayal. That would have been letting Sirius go for good. 

“What are you doing here Pads? You could get caught.”

“I know, I know. I have to go back to Grimmauld Place soon. They’re planning on using it as the Order headquarters. I just… I needed to see you first,” he made his way across the room and laced his fingers through Remus’. He ran his hand along the engagement ring.

“You kept it.”

Remus’ smile faltered. “I… I almost didn’t. Sirius I… I let them make me believe. I am so sorry. I should have trusted you. I should have waited. 

“Shh,” Sirius said wrapping an arm around Remus’ waist. “You did.”

And in some way, he had, Remus Lupin’s heart would only ever belong to Sirius Black. 

Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus.

“Chocolate,” he said with a smile. 

Remus kissed Sirius again. He ran his hands up his frame feeling all the ways he’d changed. He felt Sirius begin to tremble under his touch.

“Pads, we… we don’t have to.”

“Just hold me,” Sirius said. Remus nodded and led him across the hall into his bedroom. It had been their bedroom once, was it now their bedroom again? Sirius laid down on the bed and Remus curled up behind him, wrapping his arms gently around Sirius’ frame. It was all so surreal. Sirius back here, like no time had passed, next to him, alive. Remus was scared to fall asleep, worried that if he woke up this would all be a dream and he’d be gone again. Once Sirius was sure that Remus was asleep, he started sobbing. It was too much. Everything he had missed. Every memory the dementors had taken. He was too broken to be welcomed back so warmly after so long. He thought of the note he’d left Remus all those years ago. He’d lied to Remus, it had hurt that Remus would have doubted him, but there were times that Sirius had doubted himself too. Times that Sirius never would have believed he’d get back here again, lying side by side with a man he loved.

Remus wasn’t asleep. He listened to Sirius’ sobs and felt his chest rise and fall sporadically under his arm. He didn’t know what to do. How did he calm this familiar stranger? He was too scared to move or speak. He didn’t want to startle Sirius, so instead he lay there and tried to stop thinking about how every one of Sirius’ tears was a reminder of just how broken things were. 

Later, drowsy after finally falling asleep, Remus reached out to pull Sirius closer to him and came up on empty sheets. He bolted awake in a moment. It was still dark outside, but Remus could see a light coming from the kitchen. 

Sirius stood in front of the empty ceramic bowl he’d bought Remus for graduation. He was crying again. 

“Hey,” Remus said gently, “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I can’t remember it,” Sirius said in a complete monotone.

“What?” Remus asked, running his hand gently along Sirius’ back.

“The recipe. They…they took it from me,” Sirius said doubling over again. The recipe that him and Lupin had completed time and time again. The recipe that Sirius once new as well as his own name, that he could recite in his sleep, that he could complete blindfolded was now a blank page in his mind. The dementors had stolen it from him. He could remember baking with Remus, he can remember being happy with Remus, but the instructions were gone. 

Remus hugged him tightly, feeling anger bubbling up inside of him again. 

“I’ll teach you. We can learn it again,” Remus said. He walked to the pantry and pulled out a slab of bakers chocolate. He grabbed a cutting board and a knife and set it down in front of Sirius. He wrapped his arm around his waist and rested his hand on top of his as he guided his strokes until he was sure he wouldn’t lose an appendage. As Remus stirred the batter gently and Sirius helped him pour it into the pan he was overcoming with feeling. They could do this. They can relearn each other again. They could learn how to be happy again. They could do anything as long as they were together. Always together. 

* * *

Sirius paced back and forth up and down the foyer of Grimmauld place. Remus should be back by now. He twisted the gold engagement ring on his finger. Remus gave it to him every time he left on a mission for the Order. It was a pact, a promise, that he would always come back. But it had been too long, Sirius hated the waiting. He wanted to fight, he wanted to get revenge for everything that was taken away from him, but instead he was stuck here haunted by memories he wished he could escape. His father throwing him against the wall. His mother using Crucio on him. He could feel them all every bruise, every broken bone, every last word and insult they had hurled his way. So he tried to focus on Remus, Remus’ steady hands using Lily’s makeup to cover up his bruises, Remus throwing batter on his face, Remus lips on his lips, Remus hands on his hips, in his hair, over his body, Remus who should bloody be here by now. 

There was a crack and Remus appeared on the floor in the living room. Sirius ran to him.

“Remus, are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Sirius. Give me some space.”

Sirius stepped back trying to disguise the hurt that had flickered across his face, but Remus saw it anyways. He knew him too well.

“I’m so sorry Pads, just been a long night. Saw Fenir, which is always… pleasant,” Remus spit out the last word through gritted teeth. 

“I’m so sorry, Moons.” Remus loved that nickname. He’d never get tired of hearing Sirius say it.

“It’s alright Pads, I’m better now that you’re here,” he said standing to give Sirius a passionate kiss, as he ran his hands through Sirius’ long, dark hair. Sirius never got that motor oil smell back, but he no longer smelled rotten. He smelled like velvet, and mornings after rainstorms, and a hint of chocolate. More importantly, his eyes had gotten their silver gleam back. They loved each other. It was different now. But still, they loved each other. 

“Well then, you’re allowed to be late more often if you are going to kiss me like that,” Sirius smiled. He pulled back so he could take Remus’ engagement ring off. He slid it over Remus’ scarred hand and lifted it to his lips for a gentle kiss. “When are you going to marry me Lupin?”

“Soon, after all of this over. We’ll have the wedding of the century. We’ll buy you a new motorbike that you can whisk me away on once it’s all over. Then you can take me back to our place and ravish me until morning. And then we’ll have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Just you and me.” Sirius kissed Remus again, parting his lips with his own.

“Well, that ravishing sure sounds like something.”

“Oh it will be, you haven’t heard me howl yet have you?”

“Remus John Lupin, in all the years, why I would never.”

Remus threw his head back and laughed loudly, it was the sound of the future. The sound of Sirius’ future. Sirius couldn’t wait to spend everyday waking up to the sound of that laughter and falling asleep to it every evening.

“I’m hungry,” Remus smiled. “Brownies?”

Sirius smiled and followed him into the kitchen. Sirius knew the recipe again. There were so many things he had to relearn. He pulled out the cutting board and worked away expertly. They knew their roles and danced around one another as they put together the ingredients the same way they did in the Hogwarts kitchen so many years ago. They take too many breaks to make out with one another and somehow both end up with batter all over their faces. They enjoyed every chocolate sealed kiss. Each one a promise for the future. Their future.

* * *

Remus didn’t know how he did it. How he held Harry back from throwing himself through the veil after Sirius. How he didn’t jump through the veil after Sirius himself. He held onto Harry as he screamed for his godfather and he didn’t scream for his fiancé. He wouldn’t get to bury him. There was no body to bury. He wouldn’t get to give his corpse one last cold kiss goodbye. Instead he was forced to stand, gripping Harry to his chest and pretending like the last piece of his world didn’t just fall apart. Once the battle was finished and everyone else had gone home, he came back to the room alone. He took off the golden engagement ring and pushed it through the veil. He was always going to be fighting for the Order now. This was his final promise. That he would always come back to him. Remus couldn’t go back to Grimmauld Place not tonight, there was too much of him there. So he went back to their apartment instead. He guessed it was his apartment again. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He found himself sitting down on things only to stand up and go and sit somewhere else. When it got late he went and laid down but he couldn’t sleep. So he stood up and made his way into the kitchen. Thought about the wedding he’d never get to have. The life he wouldn’t get to live. The together they would never get to be. 

Remus reached down to open the bottom drawer and pulled out the ceramic bowl Sirius had given him. That party seemed a lifetime ago, when the future was full of promise and hope. When Remus believe they’d make it. That they’d all make it, together. He got two ingredients in before he broke down in tears. He collapsed to the ground and felt his soul try to throw itself from his body, try to escape from this never-ending pain. The ache of never getting to spend a forever with Sirius Black. Remus laid on the floor, he spent the rest of the night rotating between crying, screaming, and whimpering in pain. He didn’t know if what Alex Simon had told him about chocolate was true, if scientifically it gives you a dopamine release. All he knew was that chocolate would never make him happy again. Not when he couldn’t taste it on the lips of the only man he’d ever loved.

**Author's Note:**

> AHH, so sorry to do this to all of you. Not going to lie, I cried when I wrote that ending. I need a world where Remus and Sirius live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that's not this one. Leave me a comment with your thoughts. I'm going to eat some of those brownies I baked to hide my feelings. Bye!


End file.
